Today we’re going to talk about the “It-that-must-not-be-named” of pregnancy. Miscarriage. Or, well, infertility and pregnancy issues in general. It is something that is not talked about enough. I think partly because it can be an uncomfortable topic, but even more so because women often feel like they failed or guilty about losing a child or not being able to have one.
I recently mentioned here that my self-named “health issue” (see! I wouldn’t even say it!) was a miscarriage and I wanted to talk about it more today, because it needs to be talked about!
Disclaimer: This is just a chance for me to tell my story, others to share theirs, a place to share some resources and hopefully someone might see just how NOT alone they are! I’m no professional, just learning as I go!
Now onto my story…
My first pregnancy was at 22 (yes, I was a baby) and while we were technically “trying”, I’m not sure you can actually call it that because I think all my husband had to do was look at me and suddenly, BOOP! I was impregnated.
I never imagined it’d be hard the second time around, I didn’t even know of anyone directly who had struggled with this- but then again, it’s so taboo to discuss, who knows!
So here are the basic details: This second time around I got pregnant around May. They couldn’t find a heartbeat at my first appointment, but said it might just be too early. I feel naive for never once thinking that there might be another reason we couldn’t hear his (or her) heartbeat…I had a D&E for my miscarriage in August just 2 days before flying cross country to Seattle to be my sister’s maid of honor. The aftermath on the plane ride back was…..not fun to put it lightly. My husband and I started trying again a couple months later. We had wanted to get pregnant before he leaves for 6 months in January (#armywife 😊) but that hasn’t happened yet.
And that’s where we’re at right now. I know, I know. We haven’t struggled with this for nearly as long as many other couples out there. Praying we won’t have to! That being said, I am telling myself that if we don’t get pregnant before he leaves, I will just try to take a break and stop stressing about it during that time. The stress of trying to get pregnant is starting to get to me and, what better time to take a step back, relax, and focus on my son and other goals I have than when my hubby is away for training, right?
There are a few things I have learned along the way during my journey:
Another disclaimer: Don’t take me too seriously, these are just my personal thoughts and observations I’ve made during this horrible experience because sometimes we just need a laugh, even when we’re going through something so difficult. Or really, ESPECIALLY when we’re going through something so difficult. The more “serious” resources are down below, too!
1. I now hate my insurance company. As if I don’t have enough guilt about this already, some insurance companies seem to be unable to differentiate between miscarriage and abortion. If this happens to you, feel free to cuss them out (just kidding?) until everything is taken care of because NONE OF THIS was “elective”. Just, no.
2. Speaking of, I know you’ve heard this and it sounds cliche, but it’s not your fault. I keep trying to convince myself of this still by thinking of what one doctor said. He put it bluntly for me, “you DID NOT cause this. If you could CAUSE a miscarriage anybody who didn’t want to have a baby could just “eat this”, “drink that” or “smoke this” and no longer be pregnant.” Convincing yourself of this, though, is easier said than done.
3. Sometimes I just have to get off damn Facebook. The grass is always greener on social media. Everybody’s life is perfect and everyone from your old high school is popping out 2nd and 3rd babies like its nothing. Am I right? Good for them, they have beautiful, healthy babies and you wouldn’t wish it any different. But I think most of us could benefit from the reminder that nobody’s life is as easy or perfect as they portray it to be online.
4. Oh, and I have learned to overlook the inevitable “So, when are you gonna give Davy another sibling” type of questions. They just happen, no matter what, and usually come from your busy-body aunt who has nothing but good intentions. Haha 😛
5. I’ve also learned to expect the awkward responses. I’m still young enough that a lot of my friends are living the single life, in a busy city with demanding jobs and kids are the last thing on their minds. Anyone remember being in college, realizing your period might be a little late and totally freaking out? Yeah, that’s some of my friends… still. When I told them about what happened, you could tell they felt very uncomfortable and had no idea how to react.
That’s an extreme example, of course. Obviously, my mom was much more helpful and wonderful to me but honestly, nobody will really know exactly what to do or say unless they’ve been through it themselves and still even then, maybe not. And that’s ok.
That MIGHT actually be the reason you’re here! You may not know who to turn to in your every day life, but there ARE plenty of people who have been through it too and are ready and willing to provide support. I was overwhelmed with the response I got when I first mentioned it on the blog.
That influx of love and support made me come to the conclusion that this is a topic that should be talked about much more! Some other blogger ladies agreed and also wanted to share their stories and advice.
But first, a few more “serious” resources:
And now for the lovely blogger ladies who have shared their amazing stories & experiences:
I Choose Joy by Project Momsanity
Infertility Sucks by Itz Linz
Halfway There & Back Story by Rachael Novello
Thoughts on Two by Hungry For Balance
On Infertility by Hungry For Balance
Investigating the Reality of Miscarriage by Heartfelt Hemphill
Thanks to my fellow For Two Fitness ambassadors for sharing their stories, I can’t express how much I loved reading them.
If you are struggling with these issues and just want someone to talk to, hi!! I’m right here!!! Comment, email me (firstname.lastname@example.org), send me a DM on Instagram (not sure who’d prefer that method, but hey) and I’d be happy to talk 🙂
Oh! And if you have also written about this on your own blog, feel free to leave your links below!