Disclaimer: I hope this post doesn’t come off as whiney. I usually aim to create posts that a reader can get something out of, but today I just needed to use it as an outlet to try and understand WTF is going on! If you don’t like long, rambly personal posts, skip this one and check out my next post which I guarantee with be much more upbeat!
Growing up, my mom always told me that I was the most happy, social kid. I thrived when I was around others and loved making people happy. That’s very true about me! But she also has said that because of all of that, it has always been hard to tell when I am really upset about something.
I was an ornery, stubborn girl, so I threw my fair share of fits and made my mother question her sanity during my teen years, but when I’m truly unhappy nobody will know unless I want them to know.
Truthfully, nobody knows all of the tough things that I have gone through during my husband’s time away, or even the past nine months. Well, let’s go back even further, really to my miscarriage last summer. Let’s just say, the past 12 months hasn’t exactly been “my year”.
The only person I fully confide in is my husband. It’s a fault of mine. I feel guilty when my sister or mom or friend ask what’s going on and I skip over the tough stuff. It’s not because I don’t trust them, they always support me… I think it’s because I don’t want anyone else to worry about me. I want everyone to be happy and don’t want to burden anyone. I’m not exactly sure.
In the past few years, I have started feeling what I think is anxiety. At first I didn’t like to use that word because I felt like so many people say they have anxiety or panic attacks when they’re just stressed out. I’ve never been diagnosed with actual anxiety; I just went through spells where I felt anxious which I think is NORMAL in certain situations that warrant it.
But lately I’ve realized that I can’t logically explain to other people why I am feeling so restless, nervous, shaky and OCD (as a way to “fix” whatever I’m worried about). I hear myself trying to explain why I’m stressed/anxious and understand that the feeling isn’t rational. For example, I was recently trying to explain to my mom why although I know I have a long to-do list that I’m worried about, I shut down and get nothing done at all. I just want to sleep.
I knew it didn’t sound like I was making sense (logically, I should just do what is on my to-do list), but I get so anxious and stressed about being productive that the opposite happens and then I get even more upset that I got nothing done. It’s a cycle.
Just recently this feeling seems to be escalated by my husband’s return next week. That sounds so backwards, because I’m so excited and happy to see him and hold him and have him make every day-to-day situation more fun, as he always does, but I’m nervous. It will be a big readjustment.
I also set out a lofty list of goals for while he was gone and achieved almost nothing because, turns out, being a “single” mom is hard and time consuming. Who’d have guessed.
Ugh, I wish I could articulate this better.
Sometimes I think I’m just being lazy and blame my lack of productivity on “not feeling good” that day. Sometimes I think I am hyping it up in my head by calling it “anxiety” when I’m really just stressed. But I can’t deny the palpable shortness of breath, racing heart, inability to relax, and lack of focus.
Who knows, I know will figure it out. It’s not always this bad, not even close!
Tonight, the house isn’t perfect and I didn’t get my entire workout done because I wasn’t feeling it, but I’m trying to let that go and cuddle up to a movie with my son before getting a good night’s sleep. I will tackle my to-do list tomorrow. I’m always in a better mood on Fridays anyways!
I’ll leave you with one last note, because not many bloggers seem to open up about their life being imperfect. I’ve always tried to show you all that I am not perfect because I think that’s important, but when someone messaged me on Youtube saying my family looked perfect and asked me for marriage advice, I realized I need to do a better job of this.
The cliche “the grass is always greener…” has never been more true than it is now in this social media day and age. So remember, don’t freak out if your life isn’t perfect. Your favorite Instagrammer’s life isn’t perfect either. Not by a long shot, I’m guessing.
Also, I hope this post wasn’t too whiney. Oops! My bad.
Have you experienced anxiety too? Is this anxiety? What do you recommend!