Today’s post is on a topic you won’t hear about from most moms. Nobody wants to talk about it. Nobody wants to admit it. And nobody, most of all me, wants to appear ungrateful, especially when so many have fertility struggles (myself included). Despite that, these are real feelings and fears and they’re justified as well.
Don’t get me wrong, I love this baby inside of me and the rational part of me knows I will be overcome with love and joy when he is born. I wanted another baby like crazy for the past few years.
That being said, this pregnancy has been mostly filled with one thing: anxiety.
Anxiety over having a healthy baby. With one miscarriage last year, this is a new worry to me, unlike with my first pregnancy with Davy. The miscarriage happened so early and I have no reason to fear it would happen again, but this time around if there is something that could go wrong, I fear it will. Much more than I let anyone know.
The other source of anxiety is just… how do I put it? Learning to love another baby. Let me explain.
The moment I saw Davy, I looked at him and felt, “I know you.” I felt like I knew him forever and he was a part of me. It probably helped that he looks a lot like me, but I didn’t realize that at the time. The best way to describe it is that I felt like I already recognized him. (Do any other moms know what I mean by that? Davy always asks me to tell him the story about when he was “boring” and I “recognized him”.) I immediately loved him more than myself and in that way that all parents tell you about, that you never can feel until you’re a parent. The amount of love you never have for something until you’re a parent.
Once again, the rational me knows I will be filled with this same love the moment I see and feel this new baby.
But the hormonal, scared pregnant me is worried about loving another baby as much as Davy. I have guilt about mistakes I’ve made with David. I’ve always been a good mom, but being a new mom, I was of course not perfect. He had febrile seizures very young, which I’ve now learned to monitor carefully and know the signs of. I’m now in the position where I can keep the new baby home longer, but Davy went into daycare at 4 months. I also now know about the preschool we prefer…. all of these things are small examples, but I just feel guilty giving the new baby more or “better” simply because we now know better.
I am scared to take away attention or any love or support from Davy. I don’t want to. At the moment, I can’t imagine being able to give any more love or attention. Davy has my 110%. I wouldn’t want it any other way, he deserves my all. He deserves the world! I cherish our alone time and we’ve had a lot. While it might be an unhealthy thing to say as a mom relying on her child, but Davy helped me through hard times, especially when my husband was away.
I know my capacity to love will only grow with this child and the happiness my babies will bring to each other will be worth it times a million. The love Davy has for his baby brother is already unimaginable. But, once again, in my crazy hormonal state it’s hard not to have these thoughts.
I know that thoughts and fears are totally okay and normal. I know that I’m not the only one, hence why I am sharing this. I know that this is the family dynamic that I want and what I want for my boys. I know that everything will be just fine and that this baby is a blessing who will bring me so much joy and I can’t wait to hold him in my arms.
As this pregnancy progresses and I have more and more faith that the baby will be healthy, my fears are subsiding and my excitement grows. I actually have another post in the works about the EXCITING parts of getting ready for Baby #2 which promises to be much more up lifting.